Home Is Where My Heart Is (aka A Story For Sarah)
by carlycarter
Summary: Warning for a mushy happy story! For Sarah J :) Set back in Season 1 as the crew stumble upon NamTar and find their maps to go HOME! Aeryn struggles to come to terms with her feelings about losing her friends on Moya, and finding her place in the universe since she has no home to go to :( (( Aeryn/John)) One Shot


This is a special story written for a very dear and treasured friend Sarah J :) I love you to bits 3

I NEVER write happy stories, and I think this is a piece of mushy crap. I'm afraid I've ruined my reputation as a angsty writer – but for Sarah J it was worth it to make her smile :) And she made some very pretty art work which you can view at FB or LJ :) I'm going back to finishing my angsty stories where I belong, but I hope you enjoy this piece :)

You might know I haven't written anything for a long time, had such bad writers block/mental meltdown. And somehow writing this little happy mushy one shot has helped me find my voice again, and for that I thank some wonderful people from Claudia Black Online Face Book Group.

I thank of course Sarah J, as well as my dear friend Lily, and also some of my favourite authors, extremely great authors who put me to shame, but always encourage me and help me to grow as a writer- Wen, Gary and Dana. You will never know how much your work inspires me, or how much your encouragement means to me. And to all my beautiful friends, special hello to Candise and Jacci for always being just awesome :)

As always my love and thanks to EVERYONE at the Claudia Black Facebook group who provide endless support, encouragement, and a lot of laughs :)Hope I didn't leave anyone out. You guys will never know how much you inspire me :) Big thanks to the Admin who help keep the group the best group on FaceBook :) Keep up the good work.

And if you aren't in the group, you should be! Join up and join the madness (I mean the fun!)

xoxoxoxox The first and last happy fic by me...(don't you love it when the authors note is longer than the fic?)

_**Home Is Where The Heart Is **_(All credit to the amazing Sarah J for the title)

She made a pretence of being disinterested, a good pretence, but Aeryn Sun watched closely, observing her ship mates as the excitement grew among them. They had chattered endlessly on the transport pod on the way to see NamTar, on the way to find maps to their home worlds. She saw it, this hope, in all of them. Even Rygel, who she felt cared nothing for anyone or anything except money, even he was falling over himself with the thought of being home. To a place that had exiled him. It was still home. And he couldn't hide his excitement.

Aeryn could relate to that. Like it or not, she was born a peacekeeper, breed to be a peacekeeper, her home was with the peacekeepers. And no matter that she was irreversibly contaminated, no matter that she looks now and sees that the peace keeper doctrine might not have been all she thought it was, didn't change that it had been her home. And she longs for it, they way they all do. For the familiarity, the safety, for the competition, the glory of being the best, of serving the peacekeepers. She was proud of who she was, what she had achieved.

It was very well of Crichton, brain deficient species that he was, to tell her to be more. That simply made no sense to her.

She tried to smile, not wanting to be accused of being bitter just because she had no hope of going home. Even though it was Crichton, and all of them, who caused her to be irreversibly contaminated. So she smiles and silently goes along with the others. A little part of her hopes this NamTar is a fraud. They they will arrive and see he has no useful information. And in that case she would feign sympathy for them, but secretly be glad. She would not admit this, to anyone, but fact is- Moya and her ship mates are all Aeryn has left. The only thing stopping her from being completely alone in the world. And as a peace keeper she had never been alone. Not in the literal sense. Yet coming to be with Crichton and the others, she realises she has been alone all her life in a way she never understood. And now that she has come to know what it is to have friends, family, to have Crichton...she just can't stand to think of losing it.

Evidently she was not trying hard enough to smile and be happy, Crichton noticed. He always knew when something was bothering her. It angered her in the past, but now facing the prospect of losing him, she wonders if she will ever find another person who knows her that well, who accepts her, who she has that connection with. A connection she had been warned against since birth. It was a big no-no for peacekeepers to form emotional attachments. And she had fought it with John, she really fought it. But it was just irresistible, he was irresistible to her. She had never felt that way about any person, and she couldn't walk away. It would be him who walked away, back to his precious earth. She wonders, if the tables were turned, if she had the chance to go home, and leave him behind, would she do it?

"Whats up?" He asked her casually.

"Nothing." Aeryn snapped in reply.

"This could be a once in a lifetime chance for all of us to find our way home." He told her excitedly.

"Not all of us." Aeryn couldn't help but say bitterly.

"You might find some other Sebacean colony out there..." He tried to cheer her up.

"A colony of traitors and deserters? No thank you." She said.

"Maybe a colony of people just like you. Who have been irreversibly contaminated and exiled." He points out.

"Oh yes I forgot, I'm a traitor too, thanks for reminding me."

"Thats not what I meant." He sighed, this conversation was going nowhere. Truthfully he was glad to hear her say she didn't want to settle in a Sebacean colony, because he had always dreamed she would come to earth with him, though he hadn't had the courage to ask her.

"I'm very happy for you finding your map to Erp, but I'm not interested in finding a home to settle down in."

"So what are you gonna do, after we go home?" He asks.

"What's it to you?" She answers defensively.

"I guess I feel a bit responsible for the whole irreversible contamination thing." He admits 

"Thats because you ARE responsible." She points out.

"You know Aeryn, you can come home with me, to Earth, you would be so welcome there." He blurts it out, just like that, so clumsy, as if he hadn't thought about it a million times and practiced how he would tell her he wanted her to come.

She laughed then, and regretted it instantly after seeing his face fall. "I'm sorry John, I just have enough trouble with one of you, I can't imagine a planet with billions of you. I wouldn't fit it. It wouldn't be my home."

"You would fit in, I promise you." He is so sincere, and perhaps even believes it.

"I was never meant to settle in one place Crichton, I would be miserable. But I appreciate the pity invitation."

"It's not pity!" He insists. "I would really miss you if I went back to earth and you weren't with me."

Aeryn has no answer for that, she can feel tears welling up in her eyes, and that very last thing she wants is to cry in front of him. She wants to tell him she would miss him too, that she cant imagine life without him in it, that she would follow him anywhere, she wants to beg him to stay with her on Moya, she will show him hundreds of thousands of wonders he never imagined. But she has way too much pride. And she knows it isn't right to guilt him into staying, he would only come to resent her. And this strange 'feeling' she has for him, as much as she wants him near, she wants him to be happy, and can't bring herself to rob him of that chance to find his way home.

It had occurred to her, fleetingly, that it would be oh so easy to destroy this NamTar and his maps, none of them would know she had done it. And not just Crichton either, she would miss Zhaan, D'Argo, even maybe Rygel. And she felt this childish impulse to destroy anything that would take her new found family from her. And, the old Aeryn, peacekeeper Aeryn, may have done just that. But this Aeryn, this "you can be more" Aeryn, she looks to Zhaan and sees a peace, tranquility, a sparkle in her eyes that has never been present before, all because she believes she is finally going home, And D'Argo, strong brave angry Luxon warrior, and there are tears in his eyes as he talks about finding his son. And Crichton, well Crichton hadn't been gone from his home as long as the others, but still ever since Aeryn had known him he cared about one thing only – going home. And this new Aeryn can't bring herself to do anything to take away their joy, even if it was breaking her own heart that everyone was so eager to get home, not one of them stopped to think about her. About how they would be dead if not for her, about everything she betrayed to help them survive, escape, get home.

She supposes really, that they all still look at her like a peacekeeper. She owed them since the Peacekeepers had imprisoned them all in the first place, she owed her life to help them, and once they were home she would be discarded. The only one who didn't think like that was John, and only because he barely knew what a peacekeeper was. He connected with Aeryn because Sebaceans looks so much like Humans, and so he had formed a bond for his own survival. And he didn't quite look at her the way the others did, like she was the enemy. She wondered why he bothered with is Farscape project, since the minute he actually stumbled upon the discovery of a lifetime, he wanted to turn around and go home.

Aeryn realises as she watches the others prepare to find their way home, that she has never had a home. She calls herself a peacekeeper, she has a history with peacekeepers, being part of a team, a unit, but she had never had a place like the place she has on Moya. And it occurs to her then, that all of them want to go home to a place like Moya, a place where people love them and value them. Moya was like a punishment to them, all they wanted was to get to real home, for Aeryn, Moya was the best home she had known, a place she had begun to discover herself, to discover she cared for others, others cared for her.

She shakes her head violently to dispell these pathetic thoughts. She had been brainwashed by John and his humanity, and Zhaan and her priestly compassion. She was more than this, more than some pathetic lonely woman clinging to a bunch of ship mates that couldn't wait to get away from her. Let them go, let them be free, she would be better off. She was losing her edge.

Once they arrived, she excused herself, saying she would meet the others in the bar.

"Don't you want to find your people?" Zhaan asked her.

"I know exactly where my people are, thanks all the same." Aeryn replied bitterly.

Zhaan frowned but made no further protest.

"Stick around, Aeryn, you might change your mind, no harm in knowing where other sebaceans are, you don't have to go there, might never get another chance." John encouraged her.

"I don't know how to make it clearer to you, I'm not looking for a home, I'm not looking to settle on a dreary planet with a bunch of traitors and deserters, I am happy where I am. If you're not, then good for you." Aeryn told them as she turned and walked away.

The others shrugged it off, let her go, it was her choice, and she was a peacekeeper, something they would never understand. Only John paused, seeing the look in her eyes, hearing the catch in her voice. He knew she still felt disenfranchised being exiled from the peacekeepers. It took effort for him to remember she loved being a peacekeeper, she knew nothing else. That it was a devastating loss for her, and that unlike the rest of them, she had no home to go to, no goal. She was just flying around with a bunch of prisoners trying to stay alive. And he stops for a moment to consider what that feels like. He wonders what would keep him going if he had no home, no hope, no goal. And instantly he finds the answer- she would. She would keep him going.

He doesn't want to leave her. But he would have. If she found a place she was happy and wanted to stay, then yes he would walk away, and go home to earth. Secretly he has always thought about taking her to earth with him. But he can see from the way she reacted when he mentioned it that she isn't ready for that. Maybe she never would be. He realises, as he watched her walk away, alone, that he does not want to leave her. He does not want to leave Moya or the rest of them either. But mostly he does not want to leave her. It had snuck up on him so quickly, this feeling, that she was his home, or she could be if he gave her enough time. And suddenly he realises he is facing a choice- go home to earth and leave Aeryn behind, or say goodbye to his home and be with Aeryn.

He knows he has to tread carefully, because if he came on too strong it would scare her away. She really was so much more fragile than people think. He knows he can't say "Hey Aeryn, I decided I don't wanna go home cos I'm madly in love with you."She would run a mile.

He also knows that if he finds out NamTar can't get him a map to earth, then he wont really be 'choosing' Aeryn, she would be a consolation prize, and she would know it.

An hour later he joins her in the bar. She has been drinking, he can tell. And there is a sadness in her eyes that he has never seen before, a haunted vulnerability that she was so careful NOT to let people see.

"Did you get the maps already?" She asks.

"No." He tells her.

"What's the problem?"

"No problem. I just got to thinking..."

"And..?"

"I don't want to go home." He stated.

"Yes you do." She reminded him.

"I mean, I'm just not ready." He clarified.

"Not ready?"

"The universe is so big, there is so much I've seen which has blown my mind, and I want to see more. How can I walk away from this opportunity." He said to her.

She nods, she does understand that. She tries not to get her hopes up, because the thought of travelling on Moya with him, with all the others gone, just him and her, well it makes her heart race just a little. She knows he isn't staying FOR her, but still he is staying WITH her, and that's enough.

"What about your family? And all the other things you miss?" Aeryn asks hesitantly, not wanting to talk him out of it, just wanting to make sure he knows what he is doing.

"There are many people and things I love on earth. And one day I will return. But there are many people and things I love here too." He tells her. It's the closest he can come to telling her he loves her without scaring her away. "So I guess you will be stuck with me for a little longer."

She shrugs, pretending it means nothing to her. "Whatever, it makes no difference to me."

He would be hurt by her reaction, but he can see in her eyes the relief, the happiness that he is staying. He wants to hug her, hold her tight and tell her he will never leave her. But he knows that would scare her.

"But you will go home one day?" She asks him.

"I guess we will see. No one knows what's around the corner."

"But you have the map, from NamTar."

"No, I don't. I don't need it right now. I've made my choice, I've found my home."

"Well, good for you." Aeryn tells him. And she can't hide the joy in her eyes.

Later that day Aeryn makes her way back to see NamTar . Dargo, Rygel and John are at the bar celebrating the fact that the others will soon be on their way home.

Zhaan is still in NamTar's office when Aeryn arrives.

"Are you still waiting?" Aeryn asks.

"Yes, it takes several hours for one map to be produced. We were very lucky we came across NamTar when we did."

"Why didn't John take the map to his earth?" Aeryn asks.

"Do you really have to ask that?" Zhaan teases with a smile.

"What do you mean?" Aeryn demands.

"Oh Aeryn, can't you see John is madly in love with you, he can't leave you behind, and you told him you didn't want to go to earth with him, and so he chose to stay with you."

"No." Aeryn protests. "That's not right. I Don't want to be the reason John doesn't go home. That's not fair of him to put that on me!"

"Do you not feel the same about him?" Zhaan asks.

Aeryn can't deny she feels something for John. She doesn't know how to describe it. It makes her feel happy and safe and uncomfortable and terrified all at once. "I like John very much I don't want to keep him from his home."

"Do you want him to go home, all of us to go home, and leave you alone?"

"No." Aeryn answers honestly. She has had a few drinks, and the turn of the conversation has left her spinning, she doesn't even try to lie to herself or to Zhaan.

"Maybe you should talk to John." Zhaan tells her. "I think he is afraid to talk to you."

"Afraid?"

"Afraid he will push you away, afraid you will reject him."

"Maybe I should, then he would go home where he belongs." Aeryn muses.

"That would make both of you miserable." Zhaan states, and it's true.

"Where is this map of earth?" Aeryn asks

"Here." Zhaan hands it to her. "John said he didn't want it, but I held onto it just in case."

"Thank you." Aeryn says as she takes the map in her hand and walks out the door.

It's not until they are on Moya that Aeryn confronts John in his quarters.

"I think this is yours." She hands him the map to Earth.

"Where did you get that?" He wants to know.

"Zhaan."

"Why did you bring it here?"

"Since I've known you all you have even wanted was to find a way home." Aeryn reminds him.

"I was foolish. There are so many wonders out here I never opened my eyes to."

"You might want to go home one day though."

"More and More I feel like Moya is my home." He admits.

"I feel that way too." She tells him, sitting on the bed beside him. "But I think you should hold onto this, for one day if you want to go back there."

"I would only go back if you came with me." He utters.

"Why are you saying that?" She asks panicked.

"Because, Aeryn, the reason that Moya is my home, the reason I don't want to go back to earth anymore is because of you."

"I don't want to be responsible for that."

"Too bad. You are responsible. I don't want to live my life away from you. And I know you feel something for me too. It's ok if you can't say it to me, I know it."

"I do feel something for you John, something I've never felt before, and it terrifies me." She tells him softly.

"Don't be afraid, Aeryn. I will never hurt you, I will never leave you. If you would just let me love you, then I would find my home in you, and you in me, and it wont matter if we are here on Moya, or on earth, we would have each other."

There are tears in her eyes, she is fighting it so hard, being loved, believing in him, she is terrified.

"If you love me John, then don't give up your dream of going back to earth because of me."

"Ok. How about this. It's gonna take a while to get everyone else home, let's concentrate on that. You and I will have plenty of time to work out where we want to go. Maybe we can visit earth. It was my home, but I know it's not yours. I just want you to be happy."

"Do you mean it that you will never leave me?" She asks

"With all my heart."

"How can you say that when this morning you were happy to go and get your map to earth and leave?" She wants to know.

"This morning." He tells her "I wanted you to come home with me. I got carried away in my own mind, I didn't stop to think you might not want that. I never wanted to go anywhere without you."

"I didn't know, that you really wanted me to come, I thought you just felt pity for me because everyone else had a home to go to."

"Seriously? Aeryn, I don't know how to make it clearer how I feel about you. I try not to push you too hard because I know you are scared, but in my mind we are always together, here , earth, wherever we go, you are always with me."

"I suppose it wouldn't be so bad." She acknowledges. "To visit this earth with you."

"We have plenty of time to talk about it. I love you Aeryn, I love that you brought this map to me even though you don't want me to leave you and you don't want to come with me. I don't expect you to say it back to me, but I love you with all my heart."

"John?" She asks him.

"Yeah?"

"I think...I mean I'm pretty sure...I do love you too." She whispers, as she closes her eyes and leans towards him, intending just to brush her lips against his briefly. However he pulls her into a passionate kiss, and for that moment all of her fears and insecurities and doubts are swept away.

When she pulls away there are tears in her eyes, he gently brushes them away "What's wrong? Don't cry baby."

"It scares me, you scare me, getting close to you scares me, what would I do if I lost you?"

"You will never lose me." He assures her. "From now on you are my home, Aeryn, and you will never lose me."

She wants to trust him, to believe him, it feels so good. She can feel all her fears and doubts subsiding as he pulls her into a tight embrace. "You are my home, too, John Crichton." She whispers. And from that moment forward she is determined to never leave him again.

Its several hours before they realise that all the maps are useless. No one is going home. They are all stuck on Moya a little longer. Aeryn feels bad, because she had wished for this, for nothing to change, for everyone to stay.

"I'm sorry." She tells John, and she means it. She can see there is disappointment in his eyes.

"Don't be sorry. We will find another way to earth one day. When the time is right. And if not for all of this I never would have told you how I felt about you, and I don't regret that for a second. I'm a little disappointed that I still don't have the first idea where Earth is, but thats such a small small disappointment compared to my contentment in finding my home in you, Aeryn."


End file.
